Warning: dismal and depressing post here. Turn back now.
The prompt is “pretend” and since I’ve been in a light gray zone lately, I’m going to just write what comes to mind with this word.
How do you pretend to be happy, enthusiastic, not at all bothered by being an out-cast and berated at times by those who are suppose to love and care about you without having a sarcastic tone? How does the adage “fake it till ‘ya make it” really work? Or does it? How is it that one person becomes ‘the plague’ without even knowing why or how it happens? What did/do I do that makes me so distasteful to be around?
I have three adult ‘children’ still in my house and I feel like I’m an imposition. I still do chores, albeit modified, and try to keep up with necessary house management (I whittled down my possessions to fit into my bedroom, that’s my only space in this house) but the whole reason that I’ve allowed this situation to happen (besides the fact that they all NEED to live here because they can’t afford to live elsewhere) is so I have some HELP with these things. One of my main points in the discussion that preceded this arrangement was that I am tired of doing it all by myself and I’d appreciate cooperation from everyone that is living on my property to help take care of stuff.
I still work and my days off are spent doing errands, walking the dogs and hiking – plus I like to find things to do in my area, like programs at the library, etc. and when I’m home I enjoy being outside so I am not really even ‘in the way’. I don’t watch TV (in the family room that has been someone’s bedroom since the ‘family room’ was created (i.e. paid for by me)) much at all – no kidding – I’m a book reader but I’ve had the controls thrown at me more than once because I asked to watch a program and it was an inconvenient interruption to the constant run of whatever someone else is watching. I wash dishes that I don’t dirty and I’m the chauffeur (when I feel like it) to the one kid without a car. I still GIVE my son thousands of dollars a year as he is still in school, I babysit my grandson and I’m glad to do it and I’m sure it’s appreciated.
With all this I’m a stranger in my own home. I try to start conversations but everyone seems on edge constantly and are short, curt, & dismissive. Okay, I don’t need to know everyone’s business – that’s not why I ask. I’ve tried to make the environment comfortable but I’m tired of the breakdowns and I – quite frankly – don’t want to spend more money on this house because it’s not up to the standards of the others living here. I’m tired, I’m frustrated, and I’m practically broke.
I have my one ‘dream’ – to hike the AT next year. Yes, I’m running away. But that brings it’s own fears, not just the usual: what in the hell am I thinking? and HOW am I going to do this but also…can I rely on these family members to take care of my house and dogs while I’m gone? I’ve been having stress dreams lately and I’m sure it’s related to my concern about next year. I feel that the most reliable child is getting ready to move out – which normally wouldn’t bother me, but the timing is the worst, and I can’t leave my house to the one who would trash it while I’m gone.
And here’s the other thing, I’m reading posts about people doing things with their friends, relying on their friends (especially those who are also going to hike the AT next year) and I’m thinking “wow. that’s probably a good feeling to have people to hike with, to send you necessary packages while hiking, to support your journey monetarily and with equipment, etc.” I can’t imagine how that must feel. I can’t get my friend(s) to keep a ‘get-together’ date (something always ‘comes up’ – it happens….right?).
OH!! I will share something really weird: I tried out a new program on TV last night (no one else was home) and one of the characters said these words. I’m not kidding. I have said these words myself – I think I’ve even written them down. I’m not quoting but it’s close.
“Sometimes I think some people are always suppose to lose. It’s like a balance of the universe. The losers make it easier for the winners.”
I truly believe this. I do believe that some of us are just suppose to be the unlucky, the losers, the culmination of what’s considered ‘bad’ or ‘objectionable’ in a human being and we are here so that the universe is balanced; at the other end are the beautiful, lucky, charismatic, happy people who, if they don’t have everything, they don’t have to work to hard to get it. Those of us at the base of the caste system are the victims twice because we get to hear the advice about being positive, changing our attitude, if we would just work or try harder, yadda yadda.
Anyway….that’s the pity spiel for today. Everyday I just think about what’s good about my day, try to find something to do – by myself – keep busy, and try not to think about how lonely (and unfair) my life is and wondering when will it be over? I can’t even pretend it’s going to change, not anymore. I used to but after years nothing changing it’s a huge wasted effort kidding myself. I make smiley face in public and to my family, I pretend outwardly that I’m content. But I can’t pretend to myself. How is that different than lying to myself? How does that help when the FACTs are otherwise?
Addendum: I TOTALLY forgot the silver lining: no one will miss me when I’m gone. That’s a good thing.